Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
