i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
you had me at cake vodka
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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