i love accidental penises.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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