FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
