She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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