Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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