being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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