Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
