Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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