: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
