DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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