It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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