Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
