If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
