he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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