i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
