Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
