K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
