Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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