Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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