giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
