The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
