suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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