my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
