When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
