Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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