my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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