my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Is it penis luge time yet?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
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