who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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