i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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