I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
