Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
