looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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