i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize