Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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