We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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