I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
