we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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