hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
