I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
