Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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