Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
