She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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