This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
