A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
