The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
