i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
