Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize