I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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