the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I lost the right to judge tonight
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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