I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize