Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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