I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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