Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
