I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
