I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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