Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Randomize
