ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
