I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize