So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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