He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
