I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
My feet surprised me
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