There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
