i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
