Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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